Femme Power
by CranberryLolli
Summary: Piss off a female and here's what you get. Pure crack. R&R please!
1. Intro

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. But if I did, that would so kick ass. This is pure crack. Rated T for language and some sexual humor.**

**The idea of Transformers going to the haunted house just popped into my head one fine day so I decided to write this story.**

* * *

It started out so innocently. Chromia sipped her cup of Energon and sauntered to Ironhide's and her bedroom. Her sparkmate was cleaning his precious cannons with a smelly rag. She opened the cabinet for her Cleo magazine and dropped the cup in shock.

"Ironhide!"

"What?" The weapon specialist whipped his head around to look at Chromia.

The angry femme held up a WWE CD to his face, her fist clenched on the plastic so tightly it could break any moment.

"Tell me, what is this?" she demanded.

"It's a CD, dammit. Come on, I'm not that retarded."

"You asked me to go to the bank for you to withdraw some money just so you could purchase this shit? You promised me never to buy these violent and brutal shows again! They're destroying your CPU!" She pointed to the mountain of vicious CDs that guaranteed blood, madness and screams of pain.

"Aww, honey, I only watch them once in a while. No big deal," Ironhide shrugged.

"Oh you're damn right it's a big deal! I missed my Desperate Housewives for this!"

"Then go download it off the Internet or watch it on Youtube!" Ironhide exclaimed. "Please, I need a moment of peace now with Cannon Joe and Cannon Martin!"

"Are you trying to tell me what to do? Because I'm a female?"

"Ooh, looks like somebody's PMS-ing again," Ironhide muttered under his breath.

"I heard that, punk ass! You know what? I'm sick and tired of all this underestimating of the female population, so this means war!" Chromia ripped the CD apart, much to the mech's horror, and stormed out of the room. Ironhide screamed like a little girl and tried to piece the broken parts together. "My poor baby…"

* * *

Chromia shoved Prowl who was going to make an announcement away from the loud speaker. "Alright, you crackheads. Gather outside Optimus Prime's office right now. This is very important, and it's a matter of life and death!"

"What the hell is wrong with Chromia today?" Wheeljack asked.

"Oh no, maybe Ratchet gave her the wrong medication! It's all his fault!" Jazz replied.

Everyone in the base, even Ironhide, made his or her way to Optimus' office as instructed. Optimus and his sparkmate Elita-One walked out of their room pissy.

"What is happening here?" Optimus asked.

Chromia ignored him. "Okay people, listen up! You may have noticed that you mechs are too dependent on us femmes to do useless crap and that you pick on us too much. But now, you shall see the power and glory of the females!"

"Oh my Primus! What is she talking about?" Arcee asked.

"Gender confusion, perhaps?" Bumblebee scratched his head. "'Cause I don't know, I'm never a bright one."

"So I suggest we participate in three challenges and see who wins, male or female," Chromia added proudly.

"Chromia, what is this all about? Nobody said we were going on a war between the two sexes," Optimus said impatiently.

"Oh come on, Prime, I know you are aching to say that mechs are better and mechs will win, admit it already." Optimus stared at her with dumb confusion and disbelief. This is humiliation! Of course he wouldn't say that… maybe except the part where mechs will win since they had more manpower and all…

Elita-One shot the same look at her sparkmate. "Holy mother of Primus! If that's the case, I am so on Chromia's side." She scooted over to the blue femme and hi-fived her. "Femmes rule!"

"Alright, Arcee, Moonracer and Firestar, since there are only five femmes around, we seriously need your help," Elita pleaded.

"Sure, why not? The twins super-glued me to the wall three times already. Time to get their little asses kicked," Arcee snickered, followed by yells and curses from Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Moonracer agreed and Firestar joined them just for the hell of it. Optimus face-palmed.

"That's settled then. Any ideas for the first challenge?" Chromia asked with her hands on her hips.

"How about a fist fight?" Sunstreaker suggested.

"Or who-can-drink-the-most-high-grade?" Sideswipe added.

"Or who-can-find-Spongebob-and-the-starfish-whose-name-I-don't-remember?" Everyone stared at Sunstreaker, and then pretended not to hear that.

"A cousin of mine is touching up his new haunted house. Maybe I could ask him to finish it and let us go there. I swear I haven't seen it yet," Firestar shrugged.

"Well, I guess that works…" Elita replied.

"Err… but why a haunted house?" Jazz asked nervously.

"Because I said so, dammit. We can record down the number of screams and therefore see who is the wimpiest. Oh, and I heard that it's really scary." Firestar said. "Okay?"

Chromia answered for her. "Okay! We will head there tomorrow night!"

Several Autobots groaned and grumbled while they dispersed to mind their own businesses again. The twins began searching their closets for as much underwear as possible, and Jazz sat at a random place, praying out loud that there would be no killer clowns or demon sparklings.

Chromia grabbed the loud speaker and said, "Sleep in fear tonight, and please, for the love of Ratchet, do not wet your bed," before laughing like a maniac scientist.

* * *


	2. Challenge 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything.**

**I wonder if it's a little too rushed at the end. Rated T for language and some sexual humor.**

The gang stared up at the old haunted house. Fake lightning illuminated the whole place and artificial thunder roared. There were even sounds of nocturnal animals in the cold air.

"Well?" Elita asked.

"Well? Err… I forgot my ipod." Jazz walked away with the twins following suit.

"I forgot my teddy bear."

"And my diaper…"

"Come back you cowards! Let's just get this over and done with, alright?" Ratchet scolded. "Where's your dignity?"

"It's back home so I'm gonna get it," Jazz argued. Before he could run away again, Ratchet grabbed him by the neck.

"Let's go girls. Prowl, do not let the others see the screen," Firestar said, and the five femmes walked through the entrance calmly. Optimus, Prowl, Wheeljack and Ironhide studied the monitor while Bumblebee started listing out all the types of ghosts and demons that might appear in the house just to scare the shit out of Jazz and Sunstreaker. Sideswipe was too busy deciding which underwear to bring in with him.

Some time (and a scream from Wheeljack) later…

The femmes strolled out of the exit with Chromia, Elita and Moonracer in hysterical fits, a cranky Arcee and an unimpressed Firestar.

"Did you see that bloody arm?"

"Yeah, when it grabbed my leg, it felt so ticklish!"

"And that dude in the prison cell was mumbling something about blowing up his toilet!"

Firestar looked at Arcee who was cursing under her breath. "Aww, come on Arcee, let it go."

"Let it go? A dead guy tapped my ass! That son of a bitch, didn't his mother teach him that molesting is a crime?"

"No wonder he's in prison."

Optimus was shocked when he saw the number of screams the females made on the screen – only one! Arcee had shrieked when a zombie touched her aft.

"It's your turn, mechs. Break a leg!" smiled Elita.

"How can you curse us like this!" Bumblebee wailed.

"It's a figure of speech, stupid." Ratchet rolled his optics. "At least I'm the most mature one here…"

"Well, j-judging from what the femmes had s-said, I-I guess it's not that b-bad… Right guys? … Guys? …" Jazz stuttered, screaming like a girl when Ratchet and Bumblebee pushed him to the entrance.

"Jazz, you go first!" they said.

"What, why me?"

"Because you suck. Now go, or I'll rip out your interface cable, put it on a plate, with some ketchup and chocolate sprinkles, and then serve it in a Chinese restaurant!"

"And people will love it!" Bumblebee added.

"Geez, you're bitter," Jazz mumbled before leading them into the house.

The first thing they see was a bloody arrow pointing to the left. They followed it and came into a dark and scary-looking cinema theatre. It was very quiet and the only sounds heard were the twins' nervous laughs.

"Look… this isn't so bad… right Sunny?" Sideswipe whispered.

"Exactly…" Sunstreaker replied a little louder. "We're-" an audio-receptor-piercing scream broke the silence. "-ALL GONNA DIE!"

Corpses, some on the seats and some on the floor, were revealed when the light flickered on. Eyes were gorged out and limbs were cut off. On the huge screen, a bloody mess of organs and flesh was splattered. The same bloody arrow was on one of the walls facing them and it pointed to the exit at the higher platform. Jazz and the twins screamed again when few corpses twitched and jerked.

"There's no freaking way we can get out of here!" Bumblebee cried.

"Yes there is! Quit yelling and let's make it quick!" Ratchet snapped.

The five carefully made their way around the dead bodies on the stairs. The gruesome sight almost made them purge. A corpse with an eyeball dangling out of its socket lay smack in the middle of the way, with his broken arm beside the body. They leapt over it gracefully in no time. Ratchet didn't give a damn and stepped on it.

As Bumblebee walked away from the corpse, the broken arm grasped his leg tightly, the disgusting blood smearing on the metal. The Camaro screeched, kicked the arm off and shot out of the room. Moments later, he came back to the gang screaming even louder.

"What the hell, 'Bee?"

"Don't go there, please! It's a hell lot creepier!"

Ratchet pushed him away and led the rest to the direction another arrow pointed to. A grand and fine door, with what seem like a bloody handprint on it, appeared in front of them. Jazz was going to open it when a freaking doll dropped upside down from the ceiling. He shrieked and started crying. The twins were covering each other's optics. Bumblebee gave a told-you-so look to Ratchet who laughed nervously.

The medic opened the creaking door slowly with a finger. The room was brightly lit and contained many dolls of all sizes and appearance. Luckily they were not moving. Sideswipe noticed the bloody arrow on the wooden floor.

"Alright, everybody… take this moment to rest a little… oh Primus give me strength…" Ratchet leaned against the wall. All five screamed in unison when the whole room vibrated and the lights began to flicker on and off.

"The dolls! The dolls! They're coming after us!" Sunstreaker panicked when the dolls crept towards them.

"Holy shit, I've seen this on Doll Master!" Sideswipe took off running to the other door with his brother.

"I can't die just yet! I'm still a virgin!" Jazz wailed before being dragged out of the room by Ratchet and Bumblebee. The door slammed shut behind them.

Meanwhile…

"Jazz is still a virgin?" Arcee gasped as she stared at the screen in shock. "How come he never told me?"

"He is such an ass," Firestar said, unamused.

The five arrived at an indoor playground. The area was bigger than the other two rooms. Nothing seemed to be happening, and it looked pretty harmless. Just like cute little sparklings, Bumblebee and the twins decided to have fun. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe sat on the merry-go-round and Bumblebee rode on a rocking horse. Although the horse was an inanimate object, Ratchet swore he saw it cry - probably due to the Camaro's fat ass.

The twins got off the merry-go-round, insanely giddy and bumping into random stuff. Out of a sudden, the room became darker. A child's laughter echoed through the place. Bumblebee quickly jumped off the horse and scooted over to Jazz who was shivering visibly.

"What was that?" Ratchet asked no one but himself.

Next, the empty swings seemed to move on its own, followed by the same child singing 'Happy Birthday' in a very scary tone of voice. Then, all was silent.

"Seriously, what the crap? Can they actually do this?" Ratchet asked no one but himself.

Jazz heard a little girl sobbing in a corner. He approached her cautiously and asked, "Err… hi there. Do you want a cookie?"

The girl turned out to be a very creepy looking demon child with a terribly burned face. Jazz screamed but stood there like a total idiot. Sideswipe swirled around dizzily, thinking that he was a goddamn ballerina, and crashed into something. He touched it here and there.

"Hey… Are you my Uncle John? Wow, it's been such a long time! And your hair's all puffy… must be that new shampoo…"

He looked at it again and his optics widened. It was a deadly clown, with a knife in his hand, threatening to stab Sideswipe with it.

"Oh my Primus! Uncle John is trying to kill me!" the mech grabbed his twin away from another clown and hid behind Ratchet. "Really, it wasn't me who set your pants on fire at that time!"

"Everyone! Run like you've never run before!"

The five ran away like they've never ran before from the killer clowns and demon children, which were surrounding them fast. Jazz couldn't help but lag behind and eventually got caught by a clown that looked like Robert Pattinson.

"Help!"

Time skiiiiiiiiiip!

Bumblebee helped to put back Jazz's arm while Ratchet repaired his interface cable. They were nearing the end but no one wanted to continue this crap anymore. Sideswipe was in an awkward position when he sat down – his back was straight and his hands were gripping his knees. Sunstreaker stared at him worriedly.

"Erm… Ratchet?"

"What is it?"

"I… I think I need a new pair of underwear…"

Sunstreaker face-palmed.

They opened a strange and heavy metal door and realized they were in a prison. Ratchet blinked and advanced towards the other door that was oh-so-far away from them. Just like the theatre, there were corpses lying randomly in the cells, but some were hiding away at a corner, mumbling about stupid stuff.

They were halfway to heaven when an undead slammed against the bars and reached over to rip Bumblebee's optics out. Saliva and blood dribbled from its mouth.

"Hey, that guy looks so much like Megatron…" Sunstreaker observed.

Soon, more and more rabid zombies tried to break out of their prison cells. The gang quickened their pace and dodged the hands of the undead. Jazz screamed when one finally escaped and headed towards them, its wild arms waving everywhere.

"Oh, he just misses us. Look! He wants a kiss!" Sideswipe cheered.

Ratchet shot him a glare before using his mighty fighting magic to kick the zombie's groin and send him flying back into its cell. Behind them, the zombies were onto them, some as fast as lightning, some stupidly slow.

"We're reaching the exit! Jazz! Get your ass moving! I'm not gonna help you again, you know!"

Jazz flung himself onto Bumblebee's back before everyone rushed out of the haunted house. Ratchet tumbled onto the ground, followed by Bumblebee who tripped over him. The twins were already on their way to the base.

"Looks like you guys had fun in there," Moonracer teased.

"How many screams?" Ratchet demanded.

"75," Prowl replied dryly.

"Noooo!" Jazz wailed.

"Ha! We win the challenge!" Chromia announced. "Alright, what do you want for the next one?"

"So fast?"

"Oh come on! Give us a break!"

"Ooh! I know one! How about we compete on who will get the most girlfriends or boyfriends in one day?" Wheeljack suggested happily.

"Good one! Alright, so that's the next challenge for you. See you back at the base!"

"Well that was quick," Ratchet grumbled.

"Get off, Jazz!" shouted Bumblebee.

"I can't take it anymore! Just bury me right here right now! And don't forget my Barney plush toy and my porn magazines!"


	3. Challenge 2

****

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

**Featuring some Decepticons! Rated T for language and some sexual humor.**

* * *

"_Just dance, gonna be okay, da-da-doo-doo! Just dance, spin that record_-"

"Jazz, your horrible singing's killing me!" Prowl barged into the room, his fist waving angrily. "Why are you even singing at the break of dawn anyway? You're pissing everybody off!"

"Hey, turn it down, asshole!" Wheeljack snapped.

"I'm trying to cry here!" Sideswipe shouted before wailing like a duck.

"Because I really wanna!" Jazz whined.

"Fine, fine. At least lower down the volume. We have to find dates later, so save your energy." Prowl sat down on Jazz's bed.

"Oh… Prowl don't sit there!"

The second-in-command scrambled to his feet and touched his ass. "Eww! Did you lubricate on the bed?"

"Yes, that's why I couldn't sleep and decided to sing along to Lady Gaga. And I had a terrible nightmare too; it's so terrible that I bet your smart-ass CPU can't even take it." Prowl huffed and used Jazz's Barney T-shirt to wipe the wetness off of his aft.

Optimus peeked into the room. "Chromia wants you all to meet at the city now. And she means NOW, or else your interface cables will be so screwed."

The three sped off to meet the femmes. Bumblebee and Ironhide joined them afterwards.

"Alright, here are the rules – find as many dates as possible within the day and we'll meet here again in 6 hours' time," Chromia said with her arms akimbo. The gang was outside McDonalds where several Cybertronians were eating. A sparkling gave the finger to his mother after she refused to buy nuggets for him. The femmes stalked off in another direction.

"This is what I do best," Jazz smirked before leading them to a cafeteria where two waitresses shared an electronic fan, ignoring the angry customers who demanded their food.

"Watch and learn." Everyone rolled his optics and watched Jazz.

"Ahem…" The two femmes looked at him.

"Hey there, ladies. Good thing you have that fan to cool you off, 'cause you are hot…"

The two femmes gave him a 'what the crap' look. The bigger one asked, "What do you want, Jazz?"

The silver mech blinked at her, wondering if he knew her, then gasped. "No kidding… are you the bitch who rammed me off the road last week?"

"That's because your big ass was blocking my way! I horned at you so many times but you were too busy listening to Barbie Girl!"

"I liked that song…"

Optimus sighed and shook his head. "I'll handle this," he said as he shoved Jazz away. When the two femmes saw him, they screamed in unison crazily and went all fan girl-y over him. Jazz stared like a complete idiot.

"Oh, that's some great teaching, Jazz…" Prowl snickered sarcastically.

"How… how the hell did you do that?"

"Don't you know that I'm the most popular Autobot?"

"Really? I thought that was Bumblebee," Ironhide asked.

"Nah, I came in second… isn't that sad?" Bumblebee started to cry.

"Of course…"

"Where are the twins anyway?" Prowl inquired.

"Oh, hiding away in their emo corner. Apparently, the haunted house scared their whoopie cakes off. Poor Ratchet and Wheeljack have to look after them." Ironhide answered.

"I see…"

Optimus turned back to the now-crazy waitresses. "Okay… erm… hey! Watch where you put that hand! … Anyways, do you mind meeting me outside McDonalds at 1 p.m.? It's really important, and please, it's not a two-timing date."

The two females quickly agreed, then cursed at their boss who threatened to fire them and threw coffee at each other.

"See? Easy! Okay, I've done my thing so it's your turn now, Prowl."

Prowl muttered something under his breath and wandered off somewhere. He came across three femmes trying to coax their pet cat down from a tree.

"Come on, Sherlock! Just jump down from there and I'll catch you, I promise! But if I miss, you can have kittens with your girlfriend for all I care!"

Ironhide nudged Prowl forward. "Go on. Don't be shy."

"Asshole…"

Prowl crept up below the unaware cat, using his amazingly cool jumping magic to leap up and snatch the cat into his arms. The animal spat feline curse words at him and tried to smack his face. Prowl calmly passed the cat over to the femmes with a straight face.

"Our hero!" they admired.

"How can we reward you?"

"Just meet me outside McDonalds at 1 p.m.… Primus."

"Optimus gets all the glory, Prowl hits on the girls, and I was useless? My world is crumbling!" Jazz bitched.

"Oh quit bitching and let's move on," Ironhide grumbled, whacking the back of Jazz's head. "I guess it's my turn now…"

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

* * *

"Hey, let's ask that dude over there!" Arcee suggested as she pointed to Barricade who disguised himself as a kangaroo mascot just to avoid getting murdered by Starscream. "Hello, random stranger!"

The Decepticon thought that Arcee saw through the disguise and silently cursed her. "Oh shit, I've been discovered! I must flee!" He hopped away as fast as he could.

"Come back here, you son of a bitch!" Arcee screamed. "That's it, we're stalking him!"

"Oh, joy," Firestar groaned.

The five femmes chased after Barricade – across the road, through crowds, and even in between bigger Cybertronians' legs. Eventually, they lost him.

"Dammit!" Arcee cursed.

Barricade stupidly hid behind a lamppost, thinking that he would be hidden from sight. But his bulk gave away everything, and the femmes were in pursuit again.

Finally, Arcee flung onto Barricade's head and ripped off half the costume. Her optics widened in horror.

"Holy Primus, Barricade? Why the heck are you doing here and wearing that ridiculous outfit? It doesn't even suit you!"

"Did you piss off Starscream again?" Moonracer asked.

"Yeah, I guess you can say that…"

"How come?"

"He went crazy after I made him watch Happy Tree Friends on Youtube. And he wants to fry my face on the grill, just like what Flippy did to that blue squirrel!"

"Oh, you poor soul…" Elita shook her head.

"Besides, what do you all want from me?"

"We just need you to help by meeting us outside McDonalds at 1 p.m.," Arcee told him.

"And what will you give me?" Barricade smirked as he crawled out of the torn costume.

"Jellybeans."

"Okay, that works!" he cheered. "I was thinking about sex, though…"

"Oh, go to hell!"

* * *

_Later…_

* * *

"There's two hours left and we have found only one date! We can't let the mechs win!" Chromia ranted.

"Try asking that guy over there, then." Firestar pointed to Brawl who was embarrassing himself and Bonecrusher by performing ballet in public.

"Why do we always have to choose someone we know?" Chromia groaned and walked over to them. Bonecrusher quickly ran away as far as possible, as he didn't want to be part of this story.

"Hi, Chromia!" Brawl waved.

"Err… hi… Can you help me with something?"

"Sure! But on one condition…"

"Shoot."

"You gotta bring me to the toilet, buy me an ice-cream and a Disney princess CD."

"What? That's three conditions! Can't you go to the toilet yourself?"

"But I'm scared of the giant cockroaches… what if they rape me?"

"Oh for the love of Primus!"

Chromia bought a cookies-and-cream ice-cream cone with a cherry on top and waited for Brawl to finish his business. Later, he ran out screaming for two seconds before cheering victoriously.

"Yay! I did it! All by myself!"

Shaking her head, Chromia passed the ice-cream cone to him and led him to a CD shop.

"Let's see… Should I buy Cinderella or Snow White?"

"Will you please hurry up? I've only got twenty minutes left!" Chromia scolded. "Geez, he's so feminine…"

"I'll take both!"

* * *

_Simultaneously…_

* * *

Ironhide cheated by forcing Bumblebee to act as a dog.

"Woof… woof… bark…" And Bumblebee didn't enjoy being one at all.

"Aww… look at that yellow doggy! Isn't he just precious?" a femme said.

"Make him chase his tail!" another one said.

"Chase your tail, 'Bee."

"I don't have a freaking tail…"

"Just do it!"

Bumblebee called him a bastard before pretending to chase his 'tail'.

"You'll get to see more of him later here at 1 p.m. So stick around or something, but you all better be here!" Ironhide announced. The crowd of femmes that was gathering around them nodded their heads and petted Bumblebee. The Camaro growled and threatened to bite them. Ironhide whacked his aft.

"Ironhide, you are so cheap!" Jazz snapped.

"Yeah I know, I'm pretty bad-ass," the weapon specialist snickered.

"That wasn't what I meant!"

"Still feeling down about your male pride?" Prowl teased.

"Maybe!"

"I see the femmes coming… and they don't look so happy," Optimus told them. The gang, together with Barricade, Brawl and the other dates, met again outside McDonalds at 1 p.m. as promised. Ironhide counted the number of dates and cheered.

"15-2. We win!"

"Whatever! It's a draw now, and the females will win the last challenge!" Arcee snarled.

"That's pretty big talk for someone who picked Decepticons as their dates," Prowl stated.

"Why am I here again?" Brawl asked.

"Bring it on! What will it be next?"

Elita blurted out the first thing that came into her mind, "A soccer game!"

"Okay!"

All the femmes stared at Elita. "What? Why are y'all staring at me like that?"

Optimus looked at Jazz who was squatting down at a random place with his back facing them.

"Err… Ironhide? Why is Jazz drawing circles on the ground? There is some sort of creepy dark aura around him too! Shall I call Ratchet?"

"There's no need to, Prime, don't worry. Jazz is just hiding away in his own emo corner…"

* * *


	4. Challenge 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything.**

**It's true – I am a sadist! 1****st**** appearance of my OCs and I already tortured them. Rated T for language and some sexual humor.**

* * *

"Okay… I dare you to… order pizza in a very dumb way!"

"Fine, give me the phone."

Ironhide passed the phone to Bumblebee who dialed the number of Pizza Hut, putting it on loudspeaker. The weapon specialist couldn't help but laugh out loud, and Bumblebee shushed him.

_Welcome to Pizza Hut. How may I help you?_

The yellow Camaro repeatedly pressed the number keys on the phone. "Would you stop doing that?"

_But it wasn't me!_

"What are you wearing right now?"

_A toupee._

"Cool! Alright… I'll like a _slice_ of pizza – make sure it's already dead. And as toppings, I want extra c-h-e-e-s-e, s-a-l-a-m-i, p-i-n-e-a-p-p-l-e chunks…"

_Will you quit spelling out the toppings!_

"… And 44 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal equation I am going to dictate… Do you need paper?"

_What the hell?_

"That's about it. Wait, do I get to keep the pizza box?"

_Yes! What is wrong with you?_

Bumblebee heaved a sigh of relief. To refrain from bursting out in laughter, Ironhide had to step further away from Bumblebee.

"Actually, it's my birthday. So could you ask the deliveryman to sing the birthday song for me when he comes? I'd love a surprise!"

_I'm hanging up!_

"Oh but before you do, remember, we never had this conversation…"

Bumblebee hung up and together, the two went into hysterical fits. Prowl randomly walked into the room and stared at them worriedly.

"Have you been watching Power Rangers again? You know Optimus doesn't like that show!"

"Really? But I thought I saw him dancing to the Power Rangers' theme song!" Ironhide protested.

"Oh Primus."

Later, almost everybody in the base gathered at a nearby soccer field. Optimus and Prowl were not playing, so they sat down on a bench and watched the others.

"The twins are back, baby!" Sideswipe and Sunstreaker screamed in unison.

"Nobody cares," someone said.

"The team that hits the score of 10 first wins. And since the femmes don't have enough players, we hereby introduce you to the OCs, Phoenix and Evangeline," announced Chromia.

"What's up?" Evangeline smiled.

"Are we even paid to do this?" Phoenix grumbled for the third time.

"Look, if I give you my Three Days Grace CD, will you stop complaining?" Arcee asked.

"Deal!"

Then, they split up into two groups and discussed their strategies.

"Alright, Jazz and I will be the midfielders, Ratchet and Wheeljack will be the defenders, Bumblebee-"

"Ooh, ooh! I wanna be the goalie!" Bumblebee said excitedly.

"Okay… And the twins will be the forwards. Any questions?"

Jazz raised his hand. "I've got one… do we really have to do this?"

"Don't you want glory?"

"Of course I do! But what if my down there gets kicked really, really badly? I'm still saving it for Arcee, you know…"

"Oh I heard that, you son of a bitch!" Arcee screamed from somewhere. She then went back to discussing with the other femmes.

"… Remember what we've always been working on - always aim for the groin," Moonracer continued.

* * *

_Later…_

* * *

"Hey, Bumblebee! You're supposed to guard the other goal, dammit!" Wheeljack told the Camaro who was standing stupidly at the femmes' goal. Elita stared at him funny.

"Really? Awesome!" Bumblebee cheered and ran over to the other side of the field.

"He is so hopeless…" Wheeljack sighed.

"Alright, let's start!" Firestar shouted. "Heads or tails?"

"Heads," Sideswipe replied.

"But I want tails, dammit!" Sunstreaker argued.

"I won't let you choose! You molested me yesterday!"

"That's because your stupid aft got sprayed with tomato sauce! I was only trying to help wipe it off! Ain't I kind?"

"Heads it is!" Firestar quickly said to prevent the twins from wrecking the whole place. She flipped a coin.

"Heads. Shit. You start first."

"Wicked!"

Sideswipe kicked the ball as hard as he could while his brother ran towards it. Ironhide and Jazz followed suit.

"I got it! I got it!"

Moonracer suddenly pelted Sunstreaker from behind. She tackled him to the ground and started to beat the crap out of him.

"Ah! A rabid zombie is attacking my face! And she's destroying my beautiful paintjob!"

"Moonracer! Wake up, this is not rugby dammit!" Arcee screamed.

"I'm just trying to trash that ugly thing growing out of your neck!" Moonracer shouted sardonically.

"That's my head, bitch!"

"Get the ball!"

Firestar sped forward and shot the ball to Chromia who dribbled it to Arcee. The pink femme streaked past Ironhide and Jazz easily and then passed it to Chromia again. Ratchet and Wheeljack tried to defend their goal but to no avail. Chromia sent the ball flying into the net.

"Bumblebee! Catch the goddamn ball!"

The ball miraculously landed in the yellow mech's hands. The mechs breathed a huge sigh of relief while the femmes groaned and cursed.

"Yay! You did it, 'Bee!" Jazz called.

"I did it? Really? Bloody hell! I did it! … What did I do anyway?"

All this pissed Chromia off, a lot.

When Ratchet dribbled the ball to Jazz, Chromia snatched it away, as quick as lightning. She then kicked the ball into the goal so hard everyone swore it was flaming. Bumblebee was so overwhelmed with happiness and stupidity that he didn't notice the totally flaming ball and got smacked in the face, really hard.

At the same time, Moonracer had finished beating up Sunstreaker who was crying about his paintjob.

"That's payback for pouring Pepsi into my fuel tank a few days ago," she huffed.

"Oh yeah? Well, your mother is so ugly, that when she auditioned for the ugly contest, they said 'no professionals'!"

"Do you want another beatdown?"

Sunstreaker laughed nervously and got up to see the commotion at the mech's goal.

"Chromia, what did you do? You killed the poor guy!" Wheeljack screamed.

"Score!" Chromia hi-fived Phoenix and slid across the ground in victory.

"What happened?" Sideswipe asked from elsewhere. "Do it again! I wasn't looking!"

"'Bee! Say something, 'Bee!" Ratchet shook him. "You can't die yet! You still haven't bought me that really-cool Batman toy from Ebay!"

"I see fairies… and two birds doing the tango in the air…"

"Holy shit! Something's really wrong with him!"

"He can't play anymore. We need a reserve!" Ironhide said.

"I'll take over!" my OC Blackpulse offered. Optimus and Prowl looked at him funny, wondering how the hell he magically appeared next to them. Everyone threw Bumblebee off the field and continued playing.

Sideswipe waited for the ball to be kicked to him but when it landed at his feet, Firestar missed the ball and kicked Sideswipe's groin instead.

"Oh, my future! You did it on purpose, didn't you? Didn't you?!"

"Maybe. Your legs were wide open, so it was a perfect target," Firestar replied sarcastically.

"Oh screw you! I may never have sex again! Ratchet, help me check!"

Prowl looked at Optimus worriedly. "Are you sure you still want the match to go on? It hasn't been 15 minutes and two guys already got their asses kicked!"

"No, no wait, I wanna see who's the next victim…"

"Sadist!"

"Hey! Some action over here, please!" Elita shouted from her goal.

After Jazz dribbled the ball away from Wheeljack who had passed it to him, Arcee, Moonracer and Firestar all charged at him fiercely. Jazz screamed like a little girl and protected the ball by hugging it close to his chest plate.

"It's mine, I tell you! It's mine, not yours, mine!"

Moonracer and Firestar slammed into Jazz's lower body, thus bringing him down, while Arcee, yelling like Tarzan, flung herself onto his chest. Jazz held onto the ball for dear life as Arcee tried to yank the ball out of his hands, messing and kicking his face at the same time.

"Prowl, pay attention to how Arcee shoves her foot into Jazz's face. It might come in handy for battle, you know," Optimus told him. Prowl wasn't exactly listening to the leader, though.

"No! Get off my groin, Moonracer! Oh, for the love of Primus, don't you dare touch it – GET YOUR FREAKING HANDS OF MY SON! Goddamn it, this is sexual harassment!"

Optimus was stupidly talking to himself and watching them kill each other. Prowl blinked twice and said, "Well, there's nothing to pay attention to around here, so I'm gonna take a nap, but don't call me when you need me." The second-in-command immediately went into recharge and fell off the bench onto Bumblebee. Optimus didn't give a damn.

Since Evangeline was bigger, she came to the rescue and easily picked off a squirming Arcee, Firestar, and a maniac Moonracer. Jazz lay on the ground moaning, but soon went back to reality.

Later on, some really didn't want to continue this crap anymore, whereas others still were pretty serious. Chromia was about to send the ball into the goal but Ironhide body-slammed into her, causing the femme to lose concentration and strength. The ball rolled until it reached the line. Blackpulse lunged forward to grab it when someone attacked him from behind and tightened her arms around his neck.

"You are not going to have the ball, you hear me? You hear me, punk?!" Chromia screamed into Blackpulse's audio receptor.

"Can't… breathe… suffocating… help… dying here…!" Blackpulse was just inches away from the damn ball.

"You son of a bitch-"

To make it worse, Jazz suddenly grabbed Chromia's neck too and tried to strangle her. "You leave his mother out of this, you whoopie cake! You can't blame her for giving birth to him like this!"

"Go… to… hell!" Blackpulse screeched. The added weight threatened to crush him like a living pancake.

To make it even worse, Arcee jumped/flew onto Jazz's back and started to chew on his head. Jazz screamed and tried to shake her off.

"Arcee, stop it! You're wrecking my circuits! … _E.T. phone home_… _I am cow, hear me moo_… _La la la la, Elmo's World!_"

"Holy Primus, Jazz, you watch Sesame Street?" Chromia asked.

"Err… Maybe!"

"Somehow, the position they are in looks wrong…" Ratchet whispered to Wheeljack who studied them and then nodded in agreement. The four 'bots were sort of piled up on top of each other, so they looked like they were doing it.

"Oh that's just sick!" Ironhide said when he realized two minutes later what they were talking about.

Blackpulse glared at everyone on the field. "Don't just stand there! Save me! … I'll give you my whole collection of gummy bears, I swear!"

Wheeljack shrugged and ran towards them. But he slipped on banana skin that came out of nowhere and fell on his ass.

"Eff-ing A! Who threw this shit?"

"Oh, sorry, I must have missed the trash can," Moonracer snickered.

"Damn you! My ass hurts so much! Oh hell, is that a dent…" Wheeljack touched his butt. "I've got a dent in my ass! Moonracer, you better come here and bang it out for me!"

"Whatever, you doodoo-head!"

"Fag-shitter!"

"Bucket of shit!"

"Cockbiscuit!"

"Gay lord!"

"Did you just call me a-"

"Yes, I did! Now prepare to face the wrath of the banana!" Moonracer brought out a pail of bananas and chucked them at Wheeljack. The mech screamed like a sissy and ran away from Moonracer.

"Get those men's organs away from me!"

The twins and Ironhide spotted a row of big red buttons on the side of the field and walked over to them. There were 3 buttons and each had some words written on them.

"Where the hell did these come from?" Ironhide asked.

"Let's try pressing one…" Sunstreaker reached out a finger.

"No, wait! It might be dangerous! Poke it first!" Sideswipe warned. His brother poked it lightly a few times and they confirmed it was safe.

"What good does that do anyway?" Ironhide asked.

"Alright press it!"

Sunstreaker pressed the first red button that said 'Press Me!'. Neither of them knew that cute and yellow ducklings were soon harassing Ratchet who blasted their heads off with his rifle but they just kept coming and coming. The medic resorted to stepping on them instead since it was faster but it didn't help either. Then he passed out due to exhaustion and just let the ducklings peck at his groin.

Sideswipe proceeded to press the second button that said 'Press Me And You Will Have Good Luck For The Rest Of Your Virgin Life'. Also, neither of them realized that a storm cloud was gathering over the four Cybertronians battling for the ball at the goal and it rained sand on them. They let go of each other immediately.

"Is this even sand? It tastes like strawberry!" Arcee said.

"I thought it tastes like Jazz's homemade taco!" Chromia groaned.

"Does this mean you like it?" Jazz asked sweetly.

"No! It tastes like your ass!"

"Bitch."

The last button said 'Press Me And You Will Not Be A Virgin Anymore' and this prompted Ironhide to stupidly press it. All grew silent… then BOOM! The whole field exploded and body parts started to rain down everywhere. Some hastily located their own limbs and tried to put them back together, while some lay motionless on the ground.

"Oh my arms!"

"My legs! Where are they?"

"Phoenix! You put the wrong arm on me! This is Sideswipe's!"

"I think I lost my interface cable…"

"Who the hell planted a bomb underneath the field?" Wheeljack demanded.

Everyone turned to look at Optimus who was already running back to the base, laughing like a dork. "Oh, he is such a dick…"

"Why did he do that?"

"Ask CranberryLolli! She's the queen of all sadists! She must have influenced Optimus heavily!"

Chromia lay on top of Ironhide's chassis. They were too tired and lazy to move.

"Chromia?"

"Yeah?"

"I guess males and females are equal after all…"

"… You think?"

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

* * *

"I can't find my Cookie Monster plush toy!" Starscream complained as he ran around the house. "Has anyone seen it?"

He passed by Flamewar's room and glared at her. "You took it, right?"

"Shut up. I'm trying to watch Titanic!"

"You better tell me where it is, or I'm gonna get upset!"

"Why should I? Females are much superior than males who whine and bitch all the time!"

Starscream played a sound clip of Bugs Bunny. "_Of course you realize this means war!_"

* * *


End file.
